I’m fairly certain that there isn’t a better title to sum up the downfalls of my life currently other than the one above. It’s quite comedic. If anyone had EVER told me that this is where I would be when 2026 started I would have laughed, probably one of those deep uncontrollable belly laughs that give you a stomach ache. Gym toast: well, the gym I go to has the best avocado, egg and cheese toast ever. I crave it constantly, often when I’m not even hungry. The rest of the title is self explanatory. My age, marital status, and housing situation. And it’s all true.
I’ve been dragging my four kids through homelessness, loading everything we live on each week in bins and garbage bags to a hotel, laundromat or to couch surf. Initially, for weeks, I was very private about this. I was ashamed to be ‘that mom,’ and admit that I couldn’t do it all on my own and sustain. I spent weeks with an immobilized nervous system, completely frozen. I was only surviving; me to work, kid’s to school and food in our bellies. Smiling to others, always responding “I’m great,” when asked and then turning away and crying. I isolated myself in functional numbness and put on a mask when my kids were around. The spiral into isolation was slow and incredibly painful. I projected a false image of my life and prided myself in the perceived image other’s had of me.
In the silence of isolation I knew that the devil was trying to take me out, wear me down and break me. He almost did. At one point all I wanted to do was give up, completely throw in the towel and not function, but I didn’t know how. I actually had no idea how to completely give up and if I did, what that would look like for my kids. Their adversities in life have been in great part because of my decisions, but their strength, grit and tenacity has also come from me. If I have made it through worse than homelessness, why did this feel more crippling and put me on the brink of truly failing? I wish I knew the answer to that, but I don’t.
I vividly recall the shift in trajectory. I had just gotten off of a telehealth appointment for some anti anxiety meds and I was unable to catch my breath. I gripped tightly to my phone, ready to call 911 and accept that they were probably just going to commit me. I was in a 3rd floor room of a hotel, alone and scared. Arguably, I felt more alone than any other time in my life. As I lay on the bed closing in on a panic attack my eyes focused on a book resting on my Bible, “The Awe of God.” Gradually surfacing into thought was my favorite chapter of this book. The author, John Bevere, talks about everyone having three images of themselves. Your produced image (what you want others to see), your perceived image (how others see you) and your ACTUAL image (who you really are).
I pondered what it would feel like on judgement day to stand before God and try to produce an image of me that wasn’t actually what I was experiencing during that time. I had this dumb idea that I could hide from God these feelings, downfalls and shortcomings that I was experiencing. I was letting the devil win, but that wasn’t my actual image. I’m not a failure, I’m a fighter. I’m not a victim, I’m a victor. I anchored myself in the fact that God truly knows me and that I am not completely alone. My heart rate slowly settled into a quiet, calm beat. I’m not going through this alone, I AM NOT ALONE. Physically I felt defeated, but spiritually I was empowered. God sees the actual me and loves the actual me.
It took me hours to gain the physical strength to get up off of that bed, but I kept reminding myself that I am going to live in my actual image and crawl myself out of any kind of isolation, lean into my faith and share my story. Even if I was only going to share my story with a few close friends or family. Before grabbing my kids from school that day, I prayed, A LOT. Something I recognized had been sparse in my life the previous weeks.
God’s desire is for me to live in his will and grow his kingdom, not be prideful. Pride is sinful; it fostered a belief in me that I didn’t need God, that I could produce an image of myself where I could take credit for my blessings and not be “that mom.” Pride allowed others to perceive my life as somewhat ‘put together’ and as a solo mom doing it all. Pride made me arrogant and impatient, drawing me further from God and not surrendering to him. It made me stubborn and aided in my painful spiral into isolation. Being too prideful allowed my ego to block my need for God
That night, I pushed past my fear and forced down my pride. I shared my situation with a few mom’s from my kid’s school. One friend I even gave the whole story to and I finally felt relief, I had a profound sense of peace. It motivated me to accept that vulnerability and authenticity that allowed my perceived image to be my actual image. Something God was trying desperately to show me, but the devil was trying desperately to keep me from.
I was reminded in prayer that everything that has happened over the last year has been earthly and fleshy and has nothing to do with my salvation, character or determination. Despite my situation I am going to “recenter my focus onto Jesus and others and not myself.” John Bevere’s words, but God is the one helping me rewrite that title. It doesn’t define me; it is just a few words thrown together that sum up the current earthly situation I’m in. In truth, we’re not meant to try to do it all on our own. We are meant to be obedient to God and walk through adversities with him. To trust in the benevolence and love of Jesus and his children. To walk in our actual image.
If anyone had EVER told me that this is where I would be when 2026 started, I would have laughed, then, I would have done whatever it took to insure that WASN’T the title I would be using AND IT WON’T BE. Afterall, ‘Rock bottom’ is a strong foundation and I’ve God rebuilding with me.
FEBRUARY 2026
Rooted in Relationship 
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